Dear Doody Head,
(Actually, that's not the verbiage I wanted to use, but for the sake of remaining professional, the term "doody head" will suffice. Already digressing from the point at hand. Awesome. Continuing on.)
Remember when we were "the new kids" and began learning all about the magical world of email archiving? It was like a cornucopia of technology gold; a never ending labyrinth of software capabilities that neither of us knew existed: you can see EVERY email sent by ANYONE?!?! Somehow, around day 15, you got lost in the limbo land of Orange County Craigslist that managed to resemble Dustin Diamond attempting to score with Megan Fox.
I never really understood how you operated. I sat quietly and listened to you on the phone, at first making yourself sound like a used car dealer, demanding that those prospective leads you were trying to get a hold of call you back and then, just as quickly, it was like you were somehow a bipolar evil genius, having these amazing tech savvy conversations and setting up demos like you'd been doing this job for years. But every time we had a learning session, it was as if you had just started that day, asking the same questions, confusing the functions of products when asked to parrot back to our managers what they had just told us (and that you had just written down). I equated this to you having the brain capabilities of a moth. I won't lie. I seriously thought you were being erratic on purpose. Maybe you were onto how to be that golden child of the company, a true underdog story of the kid who came out on top. Turns out, you're just...severely lacking.... in common sense and quite possibly average IQ function of your brain.
That may have been wildly harsh on my part. But as I unfold this awesome adventure of yours down the rabbit hole and into getting a hands on lesson as to how our software solutions work at Waterford Technologies, I'm sure that you'll be able to understand my irritation towards you and that should, by all accounts, make it more palpable for you to digest this letter.
I believe that it was the constant clicking on your keyboard that I heard one day that clued me in as to what you were doing. Our cubicles were literally right next to each other. I could hear every phone call you made, just as you could for me, so I found it highly odd that you were making very little phone calls and typing, what sounded to be, the next installment for the 50 Shades of Grey series. Against my better judgement, I stood up, feigned a stretch and a yawn and holy shenanigans! your epic rearrangement of your work space (that was supposedly going to "motivate" you and increase your productivity) meant I could see exactly what you were typing. And you sir, became smut.
In retrospect, at this point, I had a plethora of options and choices. I could quietly send you an email and professionally let you know that what you were doing was probably for all intents and purposes against some sort of company policy or rule; I could ignore it and let whatever the fates decide happen; orrrrrrrrrrr.... I could become tattletale Susie, that girl in every elementary school with the stupid little Shirley Temple sausage curls and perfect little bow, who never spilled anything and was the teacher's pet. (No, I'm not still harboring any deep-seeded resentment from my younger years.) Yes, that sounded way more fun to me in the brief second of reasoning that I embarked upon as the obscene words were prominently displayed across your screen. I calmly asked a manager to join me in my cubicle to help answer a query that I had. You clicked out of the screen you were on. Picked up the phone and proceeded to make 3 or 4 phone calls. Then you assumed it was safe to resume the previous activity you had been doing. And your timing could not have been more perfect.
At this juncture in the letter, I think it is highly important for you to understand, my intent was not for you to get fired. I just wanted you to be held accountable. What I read that day was offensive, not just to the girl you were emailing FROM YOUR WORK EMAIL, but to me as well. You claimed that because I had a "great ass" that was the only reason I was excelling at work, got better equipment, and more learning time. No, I didn't take it as a compliment as some women would that you thought my hindquarters were great because you weren't and still aren't someone I even want looking at my butt. You have a lisp, you aren't all that attractive and you're shorter than my 5'4 stance. Oh, and another thing that's slightly more important in the ethics and morality of all of this. I'm MARRIED. I'm not even going to harp on you about YOU being married with a little baby at home, something you thought we could bond over coffee on our 3rd day which I promptly shot down.You're a womanizer, something I had suspected by the way you talked from our first day of work, but now, was something I had hard proof of.
(Side-note and word to the wise: Never accuse a prior female military woman of using her looks as a way of surpassing you at work. Had it been another woman standing in my shoes, you probably would have gone home that night with two black eyes and a broken nose from a single punch waiting for you in the parking lot that night.)
A few days passed without any telltale signs from HR or our managers that any action was being taken towards your less than suave attempts to meet girls on Orange County Craigslist using your work email, but then, our managers pulled several of us into the conference room, excluding you and held a meeting about the proper use of our work email and the websites that we were permitted to go to and the ones we were not. They presented us with a "mock" model of a fake employee who had sent and received over 1,200 emails in the past week to various craigslist accounts with the intention of developing an extra-marital relationship. Morals aside, this was an egregious misuse of company property – computer and email, according to the example we were being presented with. I can only assume that you, sir Doody Head, were the catalyst for such a meeting.
We found out after you had been relieved of the duties of your job with our company that your justification behind why you used your work email was your belief that Waterford Technologies did not employ the use of its own software that it sold. No one could comprehend where you had come up with that conclusion. Allow me to refresh your memory as to the solutions that were most likely used to catch you in your misdeeds, the same solutions you sold to people on the daily.
We sell a solution that collects all emails (ALL FREAKING EMAILS) within a company.
-This, RIGHT HERE, should have clued you in that EVERY single email you send or receive is still retrievable even after you delete it. You don't even have to understand HOW it works. Just by definition alone it should be wildly apparent that gmail should have been the route to go for your attempts at being the average guy version of Anthony Weiner. No, I will not refer to you as Carlos Danger. Although cabeza de pollo has a nice ring to it. Crap. You don't speak Spanish as you claimed on LinkedIn. Chicken head. You are a chicken head.
Another solution that we sell gives can show the manager the freaking attachments that are being sent. (you, realistically should be crapping your pants at this point if you haven't already.)
I'm fairly certain that Charlie Sheen at his drunkest would have been able to comprehend the bare basics as I just laid them out for you. For crying out loud, I'm fairly certain that my two year old could be reasoned into understanding all of that. You, though, were a special breed of impenetrable stupidity. And I'm sure that if this could happen at our company, where we both utilize and sell the software that acts as an "insurance policy" should such a situation arise, it can be quickly be taken care of per company policy. How many bone heads like you exist in a company that and have no way of seeing for sure exactly what their employees are doing? Maybe when you apply for you next job you should inquire their use of Email Archiving. If they say no then you've probably got a better shot at making that job last long term. Just sayin.